June 30, 2011

In all things.....



My baby girl turns 6 tomorrow......tonight, I held her a little tighter because she's a little girl whose story could have turned out so differently...


Our daughter was almost delivered at 29 weeks....


At about 25 weeks, I was put on complete bed rest....the kind where the doctor doesn't even want you sitting up.  Basically, there was nothing between her and the outside world...for some reason, my body just doesn't keep babies in.


Have you ever had times in your life where God just seems so far away and the pain that you are facing makes you feel like He's not even there? With my daughter's pregnancy, that's exactly where I was.....a very dark and lonely place.....a place where I just couldn't understand why God had put me there.


The day that I went into labor with her was one in a series of disasters. We were moving back to the East Coast and my husband had to leave 2 weeks early to start his job.  I was left to pack the house...on bedrest.....with 2 small children....yes, completely insane!


Even more insane.....as he was flying home for our house closing and move, our moving company pulled up.....and pulled away......without any boxes!  Yes, they didn't like how we had packed the boxes.....so.....they left.


I remember standing in my driveway....my husband in the air......the moving company gone....completely and utterly alone.....(and yes, I should NOT have been standing!)


I went into panic mode.....and members from our church arrived within 20 minutes to start repacking our house....I remember being in complete shock and kept repeating through tears....how does a moving company pull away??  Who will take all of our stuff??


My husband walked in the door about 2 hours later and within 10 minutes, I was in full-blown labor......at 29 weeks....with only 3 days left of health insurance.


I remember our frantic drive to the hospital.....to this day, I still don't know who took care of our other children or where they even spent the night.....how people found them clothes to wear in the chaos of our house....who tucked them in.....but I am so grateful for the hands that cared for them.....


After many attempts and high dosages of magnesium, they were not able to stop the labor.....the hard part about this is that when you are in preterm labor, the doctors are only focused on stopping the labor.  Pain management is relative.  So for many hours, I was laboring hard.....sick from the magnesium and scared to death.


The doctors brought in a consult visit from the NICU--the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  We were familiar with them....both of our boys were preterm and had spent time in the NICU.  But this time, the tone of our conversation was a whole lot different.  They read a litany of problems that our 29 week old daughter potentially could have.....


They told us about 6 pm that evening that they only had one option left.....a drug that was rarely used, but had been known in the past to stop labor.  This drug was their last possibility of stopping labor.


I remember being in a fog of confusion.....all I wanted was for the pain to end...but what if the end of my pain was the beginning of a lifetime of pain for my daughter....


Hours later, the contractions slowed and then ceased......I attribute it to the hundreds of people praying for us!  For me to be released from the hospital, I had to go 24 hours without one contraction....


I went 24 hours without contractions.....at 7am on the morning our insurance expired (due to our job and state change we had a lag between insurance coverage) we pulled away from the hospital.  I was a bit of a celebrity that morning....everyone wanted to see the "crazy lady" who was driving 16 hours east....


Amazingly, I ended up delivering our little girl at 38 weeks.....but those 9 weeks between would be some of the hardest of my entire life....


My contractions didn't end....they just paused long enough to get home to PA....I ended up contracting around the clock for the next 9 weeks.  I seriously thought that I would lose my mind.  


I have a deep empathy for people who suffer from chronic pain.....during those 9 weeks, I couldn't focus on anything except enduring the constant pain that I was in.....truly, I could not understand why God had put me in such a painful and lonely place. 


To this day, I still don't fully understand why I had to go through what I went through......my faith in God was shaken.  Alone at 3 am, awake from the pain, I would just cry out to God and ask Him..."Why me??  You could take this pain away in an instant".....but....He didn't.....instead, He was asking me to endure.


Honestly, I'm not sure how well I endured.....I was pretty mad at God for a while....at the time, I was not able to pray through or even believe the words of Romans 8:28...


 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

People tried to encourage me, but in the midst of my storm.....it was just too dark for me to see that...I needed other people to believe it for me...


Tonight, as I kissed the sweet head of my little girl and told her parts of "her" baby story, I realized that those months of suffering were so worth the feel of this precious little girl in my arms....healthy and alive....


Happy Birthday, precious girl.....
your Mama loves you so very much....
and your Father in Heaven loves you even more....









12 comments:

Natalie said...

Oh Nikki, that is so touching! She's a beautiful, vibrant little girl and you're a lucky Mommy!

Michele said...

Your story moved me, Nikki. I can't imagine how scared you must have been through that time period. I went through 2 (early) miscarriages, and had several serious issues with each of my 3 pregnancies, but just as you beautifully said, there were others believing and praying - even if it was just Jesus sitting at God's right hand - He is more than enough. I love 1 John 3:20: "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows all." Thank you for sharing your story. xoxo michele

Jordan McCollum said...

What an honest and heartfelt post. This story reminded me of a very different story. (If I remember this right.)

A friend's twin sister got engaged to a man she loved, who loved her—but over the course of their engagement, he repeatedly doubted, broke things off, came back, over and over. My friend was flabbergasted that her sister could stand for this (I suppose her sister must have been guided by the Lord).

During this hard time, the sister spoke with the lay minister of her and her sometime-fiance's congregation. The minister assured her that this was to give her experience that she would need later. She did end up marrying her fiance, and from what I heard, they were happy.

A few years later, my friend became engaged, and her fiance went through the same doubt cycle. Although her twin's pain had seemed like suffering without reason at the time, it came to be an experience she could use to succor her sister in her time of need, and to help her sister through her own turmoil. (And my friend also married her doubtful fiance, and they were also happy.)

Whenever I hear a story when someone says, "I don't know why I had to go through this," I can't help but wonder if it might have been preparation to help someone else in pain.

Becky@OrganizingMadeFun said...

That was an amazing story...you are truly using THAT time right now for His glory now! You are an encouragement to many!

Becky B.
www.organizingmadefun.com
Organizing Made Fun

Kirsten @ Mushki Loves said...

Your story hits so close to home. Happy Birthday to your beautiful little Princess!

Chef in Training said...

what an amazing story! happy birthday to your sweet girl! You are an amazing mom!

alison said...

thanks for sharing your amazing story nikki...so hard to understand pain that doesn't go away...i recall beth moore once saying that the Lord sometimes chooses to deliver us from our trials, but more often He chooses to sustain us through them...and i don't think He minds the questioning...after all david certainly questioned God...wrestled with Him...but though your faith shook a little bit, you came through to the other side to experience joy again....love that.

angie @ the cellar door stories said...

she is adorable! thanks for sharing your story to the glory of God!

Jenny @ An Apple for the Crafter said...

You always know how to make me cry! Happy Birthday to your beautiful little girl!

Lil Mama Stuart said...

Thank you for sharing!

Tatum said...

And what a beautiful little miracle she is!

Anonymous said...

This post is a gift to me. I am having a difficult pregnancy and it's been hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am only 4 months have been to the ER twice thus far, which has caused anxiety. My first pregnancy was a cake walk compared to this! I too wonder why God has let me endure so much...
Isn't it amazing how God has made our bodies and how he's made us to endure so much, with him.
God Bless and thanks for your post!
Your girl is a beauty.
B from Kansas City

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